The Fears

This little world of mine feel like a water pool that full of mud, and I'm drowning in it. How can I breath in a mud while in the water is also hard to breath even by the professional swimmer. And I am not a professional. That makes even harder. But that doesn't matter, several times I could be dead, but no. God hasn't let me die, He likes to see me suffer, ...and suffer. And suffer.

Eating was so much harder today. hours feels longer than usual but it kept chasing you. around the air, the time, the uncomfortable situation; I spend Sunday by seeing my phone through the whole day with heavy hearts, heavy breathing, anxious, frightened, feeling coldness the whole hands and toes. It is pathetic to know that a single phone notifications can trigger you, while usually you were the lion of your own story. I switch between deactive and activate the plane mode only to know if I have a new message that pop in my phone, then I would disappear, for a minute, for an hour, for a whole day. Though mostly no single text recheived, none and zero, I was still shaking. It costs me all day long to realize that all of them was only happened in my head; the fears.

Between those battles against me and my head, my chest and my bones seem following to feel hurt without any reason. I never really understand why does this matter becomes so physical. I keep picking my nails, my lip skin, my toe nails, until they're bleeding. If not, I don't feel better. I don't feel the satisfaction. Picking a dried wound again and again until it opened a new wound makes me calm. Now I don't have them; healthy nails, healthy lips, healthy hair, cause I barely love them, or touch them, I destroy them instead. Like a vampire who keeps sucking my bloods, my skin is colorless. Speaking about colors, artists mostly like beauty, pattern and structure, but I am not anymore. What kind of woman I am. Perhaps, a woman that never love and abandoned herself.